If I Were Me Back Then

Today, I see myself stronger than I was back then. If I had the strength I do now, everyone I know, wouldn’t be apart of my life today.

Realising this, to be completely honest, is hurtful. Knowing every person that surrounds me today, has hurt me in some kind of way. Some still doing so even now.

I’ve always been that kind of person that cared way too much. Not just for those I know but for anyone that needed help. My empathy for others has been described as having a much greater feeling of empathy than others that feel it too.

Although one of my best qualities, it is also one of my biggest faults. Because of this and not realising this sooner, I have now, lost that part of myself.

My once heart of gold that would do random acts of kindness for anyone and everyone, now doesn’t even have that type of concept to create a thought like that anymore to do kind things for no reason. Even for family. To be honest, I hated realising this, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find that quality within myself anywhere. Not yet anyway.

Noticing things like this about myself and how depression really can change you as a person, I’ve also come to realise it’s not just depression that creates it.

When you look back on multiple occasions where those you care so deeply for, take your kindness for granted. When they take, take, take and never give anything back in return, except for expecting you to continue losing yourself for them.

Your soul cup, once upon a time was over flowing with love. Kindness. All the good stuff. Eventually though, as you pour from your cup from one person to the next. Giving some more than others.

Y’all ain’t gonna have shit left in your damn cup for you! That shit is empty!

I plan on getting to my story relating to this, I’m just unsure where to start. Now seeing how much I’ve already written, if I add all of the deets, hell, we’d probably still be only quarter of the way through on November 9th, 2025.

I will be sure to explain it all though, just not now.

This post certainly didn’t pan out as I had planned. I guess that’s what happens when you let the emotions come out as they feel they needed too, so imma let em get it alllllll out.

What really matters though, is what you take from this…

Yes, we can be kind. Yes, we can help people out and be there for them when they need us. That’s totally okay. What’s not okay is doing so much for everyone else, you’ve been completely sucked dry and lost yourself. Not. Okay.

If you’re reading this and relating. Noding your head thinking ‘yup’ that’s me. Then please take this on board, before it’s too late. If there are situations weighing you down, your soul cup has just one drip left, you’d love to have it but someone else is asking for it… don’t you dare give that to them. Don’t. You. Dare!

Before your cup is completely empty, before you do anything else for those around you… go and fill back up first.

Do something for you, do the things you enjoy. Anything that will fill your cup up enough, so when you do help those surrounding you, you have enough for you too.

In a way, I’ve gone off topic haha but I can assure you… it all rolls into one. The people in my life, in the past have hurt me. Back then, I felt I needed people around me to matter. In doing so, I got hurt a lot and so I didn’t lose them, I ignored the hurt it internally caused.

I didn’t think I was worthy enough to receive any more than people treating me like shit. So I allowed it. Bloody silly brain. Yet, 32 and only seeing it now.

Your vibe attracts your tribe. In a shit state of mind, you attract shit people. In a sad mood, y’all gonna attract sad people.

It’s time we all took a little better care of ourselves. Because let’s be honest who does? I know I don’t. Can’t remember the last time I did. If you do, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below. How do you fill your soul cup up?

As I battle through the days with Major Depression Disorder, unfortunately all the things I use to love doing, ain’t so exciting for me anymore. I have over 100 indoor plants and even just thinking about watering them is like climbing Mount Everest these days.

Just know we all worthy of happiness and we do not have to except the shit end of the stick. Now go fill your damn soul cup, while I try to figure out how to fill mine!

T x